Fuck Gallifrey
presents...
Moffatt's version of
the classic Who story 'The Talons of Weng-Chiang (a love letter to the fans)'
The Doctor has been
musing on having lived so long, and the associated angst 'n' tha. He takes
Leela to Victorian London to see his alien pals who live there (two of which he
has resurrected, two of which are lesbians) even though it's surrounded by a
million battlefleets filled with all the creatures who ever hated him, on the
offchance he'd turn up. He's also brought a CGI dinosaur along to replace the
universally hated Giant Rat.
A gang of people of
indeterminate ethnic origin (definitely not English blokes in slanty eye
makeup) carrying the body of cabbie Bulmer (nothing to do with the cider) set
on the time travellers but Leela goes nutso on their ass and disperses them
into the sewers. Leela is upset at herself until the Doctor tells her she has
been fighting the psychopath inside all her life. Then snogs her. It turns out
Bulmer is just stunned not dead (think of his children! Did you ever count
them?)
During his
investigation the Doctor meets Henry Gordon Jago and Professor Litefoot, who
get married. Litefoot is black. Mr Sin tries to kill them at the wedding. He's
definitely not a midget. The cabbie's hypnotised wife Emma Bulmer and a prozzie
are kidnapped by Weng Chiang. They are rescued and fall in love with the
Doctor. The prozzie has met him before, and didn't they run! She's a
lesbian by the way.
Weng Chiang's mask
accidentally gets ripped off but he definitely doesn't have any kind of facial
disfigurement because that would obviously be degrading to people watching who
have a facial disfigurement. He's revealed as a Norwegian so that nobody can
think a Chinese baddie/God is a cultural stereotype. On top of this he's now a
woman, and obviously not a powerful enough villain in his own right so the
Cybermen turn up. This time they're made of formica! Because that's COOL!
The deux ex machina of
the story is an ornate Time Cabinet that Weng Chiang needs to get back so he
can phone home or whatever. The cabinet has a truth field where the Doctor has
to say his name to open it. Weng Chiang kills Leela when the Doctor won't speak
his name. But the Doctor brings her back to life by flying the Time Cabinet
through a crack in time and rewriting history. While he's on he stops World War
Two because this time he counted the children and just this once, 'EVERYBODY
LIVES!'
It turns out the
Doctor magically didn't have to say his name at all and all the build up was
for nothing. Even though Leela knows it because she read it in a book and she
got it out of him once when she handcuffed his curly wig to a radiator.
Offscreen.
The Daleks, Silurians
and Weeping Angels all turn up for the cabinet. There's now a new paradigm of
brightly coloured Angels (that will be quietly retired when people moan how
stupid they look), and a new version of a Dalek made entirely out of excrement!
Because that's COOL!
Faced with
overwhelming forces and his FINAL FEAR, the Doctor climbs onto something and
tells them how wonderful he is, and they instantly all back down. Then the
cabinet dematerialises into a pocket universe and they all destroy each other
in the crossfire.
And that Bob Holmes,
is how you write a REAL season finale!!!
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